The month of my birth seems to be cursed. I am going through so much shit again. Year after year it is the same thing. In the past five years there has probably been only one year (2011) when it was not shit. I feel betrayed by friends, most of them. And at the same time I don't feel the right to display my emotions about it.
Nikhil has let me down, it did not hit when first mentioned but slowly and steadily it is taking a toll. He sold me out to Aditi for what seems like an attempt to discredit me and gain favour with her. Further I can't take it up with him, he would surely talk to Aditi about it who would be most likely cross at me for it. I can't discuss it with Aditi either because of 'what' I was sold out on.
Aditi seems to be lost in her own and I feel a lack of attention. Again, I feel I am overbearing when I write something like that. She doesn't owe her time and company to me. However, the 'ditch' in Delhi while part of JY and recently on Sunday pinched real hard. She is busy with Nikhil. It burned me that she would ask for Akshat to get the book from me today. A thoughtless act on her part but seemed too casual. I am not sure what pinched me about it but it did. Ultimately it is about having a friend who gives too hoots about you to come around and meet when you have been away for a while. Maybe she is not that type of person but I guess my expectations are different. As always I am not sure if it is correct to have expectations and further to be passive about the same.
Akshay was in a terrible state today. Sobbing uncontrollably and broken. I am trying to figure out what to do. Tasks suddenly seem taller. He briefly mentioned losing me as a friend. That is in some way true, I don't feel close to him as I used to. This is because I don't feel important with respect to him either. Further I don't like discussing my problems with him or details of my life. I am not sure when this came about, probably because of several revelations, from his orgy to hooking up in a parking lot to a lot more. I feel like a fool sharing anything, because it is just so 'oh done' and I am afraid some part of his history will come up which will hurt. I am not sharing because for a good period he chose not to share. That makes me feel vulnerable in retrospect. What a stupid feeling! But I can't help shake it off.
Malvika, two faced probably three. She deigns. In her mind she is self less. "I broke up a relationship of six years for him" Really?! Misguided, vulnerable and the first to victimize herself. I never want to see her again, she was rude to me today when I offered a helping hand. Probably trying to reassure herself. I am NEVER going to help her. The way she said "I got this. I am tough. I have lived on streets", it was arrogant.
That leaves me with nobody to celebrate my birthday with. Nobody. It is such a burden on my head right now. I am bound to feel depressed on the 14th. I HAVE to come up with a plan to escape this shit. It is pulling me down. I need friends, but I hate pity.
Nikhil has let me down, it did not hit when first mentioned but slowly and steadily it is taking a toll. He sold me out to Aditi for what seems like an attempt to discredit me and gain favour with her. Further I can't take it up with him, he would surely talk to Aditi about it who would be most likely cross at me for it. I can't discuss it with Aditi either because of 'what' I was sold out on.
Aditi seems to be lost in her own and I feel a lack of attention. Again, I feel I am overbearing when I write something like that. She doesn't owe her time and company to me. However, the 'ditch' in Delhi while part of JY and recently on Sunday pinched real hard. She is busy with Nikhil. It burned me that she would ask for Akshat to get the book from me today. A thoughtless act on her part but seemed too casual. I am not sure what pinched me about it but it did. Ultimately it is about having a friend who gives too hoots about you to come around and meet when you have been away for a while. Maybe she is not that type of person but I guess my expectations are different. As always I am not sure if it is correct to have expectations and further to be passive about the same.
Akshay was in a terrible state today. Sobbing uncontrollably and broken. I am trying to figure out what to do. Tasks suddenly seem taller. He briefly mentioned losing me as a friend. That is in some way true, I don't feel close to him as I used to. This is because I don't feel important with respect to him either. Further I don't like discussing my problems with him or details of my life. I am not sure when this came about, probably because of several revelations, from his orgy to hooking up in a parking lot to a lot more. I feel like a fool sharing anything, because it is just so 'oh done' and I am afraid some part of his history will come up which will hurt. I am not sharing because for a good period he chose not to share. That makes me feel vulnerable in retrospect. What a stupid feeling! But I can't help shake it off.
Malvika, two faced probably three. She deigns. In her mind she is self less. "I broke up a relationship of six years for him" Really?! Misguided, vulnerable and the first to victimize herself. I never want to see her again, she was rude to me today when I offered a helping hand. Probably trying to reassure herself. I am NEVER going to help her. The way she said "I got this. I am tough. I have lived on streets", it was arrogant.
That leaves me with nobody to celebrate my birthday with. Nobody. It is such a burden on my head right now. I am bound to feel depressed on the 14th. I HAVE to come up with a plan to escape this shit. It is pulling me down. I need friends, but I hate pity.
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